sitting while stepped back.

i have come to needing you again. it seems like there's no time for real conversation anymore. or that its only saved for the few that you are intimate with. people and their routines. routines of doing, routines of thinking. so much to distract us, its so easy to believe this illusion that we're all ok. or maybe its that i don't trust people as much. do people really care, or are they just pretending to listen? either way, i have a lot on my mind.. so thanks for listening.

i woke up this morning realizing how cynical i've been. i can't blame it on everyone around me, although i don't think my surroundings help. i feel like i'm surrounded by people who are quick to hate, criticize, choose half-empty. i know its affecting me.. this energy field. there's been plenty times i've had to hide my love, my outlook, for being seen as naive or dreaming. its at the point where i've hidden it from myself. i've forgotten how loving i can be. does growing old correlate with growing cynical? it can, but i don't think it has to. i'm sure it becomes easier to be cynical as we learn more about how twisted this world is, but it doesn't feel healthy for me.

i want to commit to something greater again. i feel like i've been blowing in the wind, not remembering what is essential to happiness - a sober communication with my divinity. in the face of hate, i want to naturally come from a place of love, freely with no inhibitions. i know it will change my lens. i sense i will need more compassion for myself and for those around me.

still.. i feel alone. if i can look to the past at times when i didn't feel alone, it was always when i remembered you. i want to come back. i know i haven't left, but i feel like i have. help me come back. i'm ready now. i want to love again.

thanks.

onto shore.

we can do this.
these things we go through,
we all go through.
we've been going through.
sometimes the reason is beyond our scope of vision.
but trust in yourself.
you have your own tests to take in this lifetime.

let's choose joy together.

"There is no insurmountable solitude. All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song - but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny."

-Pablo Neruda

these times.

i doubt i'm the only one.
i know you feel it too.
seems like it comes from every angle at times.

slow sigh.

chanda.

'chanda' means a burning desire amounting to will or resolve, a preparedness for any eventuality. for example, suppose the entire universe was covered with sharp-pointed spikes, and suppose it was certain one could attain buddhahood only by crossing it, the boddhisatta would never hesitate to cross it. or suppose this universe was filled with glowing charcoal, the bodhisatta would not have wavered.. it is said that if the bodhisatta tried to cross, those steel spikes would turn into a vast stretch of rubies (in respectful recognition of his sincerity and resolve). likewise, the burning charcoal would turn into a sea of lotus flowers.

-ledi sayadaw.

living room.

up rooted.

nature's oracle.